Crazy Over You by Carol Thomas

Author:Carol Thomas
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781784625924
Publisher: Troubador Publishing Ltd

Chapter 23

Booking our trip to Venice. Making all the arrangements…

Abby tore the page out and then remembered she wasn’t supposed to be doing that. She unfolded it to tuck back in her notebook but it looked messy; she would have to try ironing it. She tried to start again but it was no use – she couldn’t find the right words. Every time she tried to write the nice things, the ways Simon made her happy and the things she loved about him, her mind slapped her ideas down with derogatory afterthoughts. Booking the flights – like for Washington. Keeping it all a secret – he’s good at that. She was annoying herself.

Instead of trying to please Mallory she decided to write what she wanted to. It was her book, her place for her thoughts after all. She surprised herself by starting to write as if to Simon – a letter he would never see.

Sometimes, like in the restaurant when you mentioned Venice, I can see clearly and think happy things about our life together but other times my mind twists and contorts them, like it doesn’t want me to let go of how hurt I’ve been. It’s as if, when I try to think positively, my feelings, compelled by this sadness, want to overwhelm me. It leaves me feeling twisted and angered inside – but I don’t want to feel like that. It’s tiring. It wears me down.

It’s weird though; it’s not like it was. I don’t need brain-silencing loud music any more because some days my mind has clarity and that gives me hope that the peace will return. That has to be a step in the right direction, I guess.

Even though you answered some things, I still get the questions – why? Why did you do it? We were good together, you know that; it’s why you want us back together. So why did you risk it all? I really have to try not to focus on that, it’s too frustrating.

I think of us making love, I can see your face looking right at me and then you smile and I think of you looking at her – doing that face to her, so close, so intimate. Why didn’t you care that it wasn’t me? Why didn’t that matter? It makes me sad.

I think the thought of being happy, enjoying myself in the past or now, actually scares me. Committing to the thought of being happy, especially with you, makes me feel vulnerable. Like it might all be snatched away again.

Abby stopped herself; she didn’t want to spiral into sadness. Instead of getting frustrated she decided to focus on a positive thing to do next. She was pleased with her progress so far – going to the sexual health clinic was good to get out of the way, her lunch with Rachel and Simon, though odd at times, had been OK and going to the gym had been fun. So what next? It was like these mini-goals gave her something to focus on, a way to look forward rather than back.

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